Causing Controversy with the US Halloween Candy Tier List

Oh yeah, I’m going to break some relationships up and make a tier list. A Halloween candy tier list.

This was originally going to be a bigger collab with candy from here in Australia as well as North America and UK, however it would have been so long that we thought it’s best to stick with the US as it’s celebrated the most there.

Something my wonderful, supportive US friends need to know is your candy taste like the ass end of a skunk; it’s some terrible, corn syrup candy for the most part, but you do have some good ones in there.
Now some candies will be missing because I, along with my darling Canadian friend and The Evil Assistant, haven’t tried the US version or we did try them and can’t remember, so this isn’t a comprehensive list.

In case you don’t know how a tier list works, it’s a ranking of [insert anything you want here] from S-tier or God Tier, something is the absolute best, your favourite, pretty much perfect, going down to the so-so of C then down to E (some lists go to F) which is bad, awful, just Not Great At All.
In this list, S-tier is basically what we would go out of our way to get, maybe steal it from a kids bucket or do some incredible finessing to acquire it. C-tier is “it’s okay.. I mean if it was in front of me I’ll eat it” while E-tier is giving it away for nothing or sinking it into a bin.

Reece’s Cups

Starting off with a much loved candy and a staple at Halloween, the Reece’s peanut butter cups.
There is something about the saltiness of the peanut butter and the sweetness of the chocolate that is just an iconic duo, however the saltiness can easily get too intense after two, maybe even one, I can feel my kidneys screaming, but I wouldn’t decline one if offered so for me, the Reece’s Cups are B.

Friend: om nom.


TAS: Used to like them until the weird texture and overly fake PB taste made me feel sick. Just use real PB, like??

Reece’s Pieces

To me the Pieces are superior than the cups; you still have the salty and sweet but it’s in my manageable pieces but the crisp coating brings in something different. A solid A-tier, I would never turn down the Pieces and would actively seek them out.

Friend: ew [she’s insane and would be disqualified if this was a dictatorship- Elle]

TAS: Slightly more palatable that cups because of the mix up in textures, but that’s literally the only reason it isn’t on the very bottom of the barrel [the disrespect-Elle].

Twizzlers

I was so confused the first time I heard about Twizzlers being a licorice that’s strawberry but… not a licorice. It’s been a long time since I’ve had Twizzlers but after being assured 1000 times they aren’t licorice and actually trying one I really did like it. When it comes to candy I’m more of a chocolate sorta gal so I wasn’t sure if it should be on the same tier as a Reece’s Cup but after a lot of deliberation I think that it does belong at B-tier. I like them, I enjoy them but could only have a few.

In my research I’ve found that they have a chocolate Twizzler out right now and so if Hershey’s want to put their ropes where my mouth is I will be more than willing to taste-test those babies.

Friend: gross.


TAS: All [Runts, Twizzlers, Dots] win points for nostalgia’s sake, all lose points for “wouldn’t be mad but wouldn’t be glad either”.

Runts

An absolutely sacrilegious sweet that does have the novelty of fun shapes but nothing else behind it, it’s an E.

Friend: liked them when I was a kid [ugh- Elle].


TAS: All [Runts, Twizzlers, Dots] win points for nostalgia’s sake, all lose points for “wouldn’t be mad but wouldn’t be glad either”.

Hershey’s Kisses

I don’t know who hurt a lot of you in your life when you think this chocolate doesn’t taste like pure, fresh ass. It’s the quintessential “man, this tasted weird last time, I’ll try one to see if it’s still the same or it was a bad batch… nope still the same”. I think I do this every time one is around me and I usually have a second one just to figure out if I’m the only one losing my sanity. D.

Friend: good.


TAS: When you’re used to Australian chocolate, no other choccies can compete.

Hershey’s Cookies N Creme

Now that I’ve dunked on a beloved????? Hershey’s icon we’re going to talk about the real game now, the Cookies N Creme. A total banger of a treat and if I go somewhere I know sells them, I still buy one. The thinness is just right, it’s not perfect but it’s definitely in the big leagues and possibly the best cookies and cream candy out there. This is an A tier.

Friend: om nom.


TAS: [Again] When you’re used to Australian chocolate, no other choccies can compete.

Candy Corn

Now I’m going to get cancelled and say that the first time I tried candy corn I loved its weird flavour and the concept of corn kernels as candy, rendering my darling friend sickened and horrified. I would nibble on one kernel after another and reel in the absurdity, and to be honest, this could have been a C, maybe even B-tier candy back then. Now it’s way too much, but I would still nibble on one or two if they were around just to remind myself of the taste but that’s about it. These days I think it’s around D-tier for me, but if presented with a bowl of Kisses and corn, I’d probably still go the corn.

Friend: foul.


TAS: Disgustingly sweet but wins a point for the Halloween novelty.

Anything Pumpkin

If Runts are sacrilegious, then making pumpkin-flavoured candy is blasphemous and is written on the walls of the Vatican. Absolute insanity on full display. I mean, I could be biased because I hate pumpkins and their smell, their texture, their taste, and the idea of people busting their nut for a latte of it is wild to me, but pumpkin with candy? E-tier. Depths of hell.

Friend: fuckin ew.


TAS: AMERICA NO.

Tootsie Rolls

Look, this taffy might be a little softer than an actual bullet, but they have a – dare I say – nice taste? I actually don’t mind Tootsie Rolls and would have a couple if they were around me but I would also try to conduct heat to make them a bit softer. I’ll give them a B.

Friend: *vomits*


TAS: No explanation needed.


Junior Mints

Taking after my dad I really like mint and chocolate together no matter if it’s a candy or ice cream or even gum, but I’m going to put it in the middle of the road as C-tier. While it’s minty and chocolate on paper, it’s just a lot of mint with some sweet, kind of a mediocre mint-choc treat, however it’s not bad and I would eat them if they were in front of me.

Friend: not bad.


TAS: Never crave them but could easily smash a box which is a pretty special accomplishment, but not a feat, know what I mean?

Milk Duds

I used to always buy Milk Duds whenever I went to the cinema in North America. I don’t know specifically why I started that little tradition with myself, since popcorn was soft then I’d have this hard little bullets, but I’m a sucker for caramel and I loved widdling these little stones down to something soft and annoyingly chewy. It’s a B for my favourite bullets.

Friend: not awful.


TAS: Could be superior if Australian chocolate was used [1000% agree- Elle].

Dots

I know I’ve talked about candies resembling bullets but good god these little abominations should be used as interrogation devices. The Geneva Convention should be drafting up something against these little, hard, effective projectiles. E.

TAS: All [Runts, Twizzlers, Dots] win points for nostalgia’s sake, all lose points for “wouldn’t be mad but wouldn’t be glad either”.


Butterfinger

Last but absolutely not least we have the crumbly fun of the Butterfinger, the candy bar that makes fools of us all being seduced by it’s crispy peanut butter beauty and, like quicksand, biting into one and realising you can’t pry your jaw apart unless you get a chisel and hammer. Every time I’ve had a Butterfinger in the past I’ve fallen into it’s trap and still come back, which says more about me than this piece of candy. However, much like a one-night-stand you realise moments later than you’re stuck and the few seconds of happiness aren’t really worth the minutes or hours of picking your teeth clean, so I’m putting the Butterfinger at a C. Out of all the candies I picked here this was the hardest along with the Cookies N Creme and don’t be surprised if I suddenly search candy sites to order some to try to test them again.

Friend: yum.


TAS: Almost god tier if it weren’t for the 3-5 minutes of anxiety chewing not knowing if I’ll have bits stuck in my teeth forever.

Not surprising I don’t have any that are a perfect slam-dunk S-tier. If I was American and hadn’t tried other candies I’d probably have my A and B tiers a rank higher, alas I’ve tasted perfection before. I do stand by my ranking until such time as I try all of these again and makes a more solid conclusion.

My comrades rankings were much different. My darling friend (who made her own graph which I very much appreciate) doesn’t eat candy and when she does it’s two, maybe three types she will go out of her way to eat but that isn’t a regular thing. While she is Canadian she doesn’t apologise for these hot takes as she has tasted perfection before.


The Evil Assistant doesn’t mind a candy or two but isn’t forgiving when it comes to the chocolate, which is understandable seeing as I’ve complained about US ‘chocolate’ throughout this post. It’s safe to say if there’s a potential dentist appointment being offered she will sniff sweets out like a bloodhound.

If any of these companies want to reach out and have my expertise utilised, please don’t hesitate to contact me and my taste buds.

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